Divorced dad needs mature advice regarding ';toxic'; ex wife?

I'm getting remarried next week and my gf is very excited about being a stepmom to my 8 yr old son. The problem is my exwife who is possessive of our son and very jealous of my gf.She has already been a problem with my gf's involment with our son and its only going to get worse once we get married. I have joint custody with my exwife and see my son every other day and have to deal with my ex often. I really want to take the high road with my ex(for my sons sake) so whats the best way to handle my gf becoming my son's new stepmom without making waves with my exwife? Divorced moms what would piss u off if your ex got remarried?Divorced dad needs mature advice regarding ';toxic'; ex wife?
When you, your gf, and your son are all together, do not talk about the ex-wife. Do not ask your son any questions about her, ask your girlfriend to do the same. Until the ex can grow up, there is nothing you can do. However, you need to make the transition for your gf and son as smooth as possible. It's great that the gf is excited, that's the right track. The ex is an ex for a reason, right? You can't do anything about her attitude, so move on yourself. It is important that your gf thinks that you have ';her back'; in this situation. Confirm what a natural mother she is. Just live your life, be happy. Do not dwell on the ex, because she is enjoying the fact that she is making this situation more difficult for you.


Also, during the switch off with your son, just smile, say hello/good bye. That's it. Don't strike up a conversation. After about a month, insist that your gf comes with you during the switch. After 4 months, insist that she picks him up herself. The ex will get the picture, hopefully she will get a bf by then too!


Good luck.








p.s. I am reading some of these other answers and I gotta say. PLEASE!!! Stop acting like the EX is being stepped on. The new step-mom WANTS to be there, can't you see, she is excited?! That means she loves this kid! Also, he does NOT need to COMFORT the ex-wife, she needs to deal with it. Now instead of 1, he will have 2 moms who love him. This kid is lucky! You said you see your son every other day? Good for you, not much time will pass, I don't think (even if poisoned) that he will believe that you are trying to replace him in the family. Be strong, you will get through this. You are getting married next week, congrats! She is not always going to be the gf, or fiance. She's going to be the wife. It's a partnership, she should have a hand in everything you do with your son, including discipline and rewards (together). If she isn't able to do that, your son may grow up to disrespect her - with the help of your ex ofcourse! Be sure to treat her like she is the world to you, and include your son in as much of your life as humanly possible-however, don't forget that the gf wants to be treated like a gf still and not always like the mom.:)Divorced dad needs mature advice regarding ';toxic'; ex wife?
Your gf has to remember that she is not this child's mother. You must be the one who disciplines him and sets all the rules. That should avoid problems with your ex.
Both you and your g/f have to remember that she is coming into a broken family.


You can't expect your wife to be receprive of the new g/f and any involvemnet with your son.


She can't expect you to be happy about some new guy either.


The only simple solution for you and your side of this situation is to not get married until your son is an adult. I know that most people aren't willing to go this route, but it's the only real answer that prevents friction.


If you go through with the marriage, then you have to be fully aware that this will always be the way things are going to be.


The next thing that you need to be aware of is that if you have a child with the soon to be step mother, at some point your son mat grow hostile as well.


The poison is your ex. She may tell your son that you have a new family and that he no longer matters. A child can feel unloved, and even responsible when his/her parents divorce. When one or both of those parents remarry, it causes more problems without the parent understanding the basis for the problems. You are about to embark on a very tough journey and should rethink this. Want to talk about it in any greater details? Respond to this and then we can privately exchange e-mails.
i am not divorced but i am very protective over my daughter.... and take it from me no matter what you say your ex will hate you. even if everything you are trying to twll her makes sense... she sounds a little bit selfish for putting herself before her son but you ar enot the one to tell her that... you need to get a friend of hers or a professional to tell her what she is doing and how it can effect her child... unless your new girlfriend is not a fit stepmom... please look closely at that because i have seen a 100 times where step parents show less love to step children....get a middle man.. pro or not...just don;t try to speak to her yourself...
Maybe this is also about insecurity about the new situation and anger towards you (and maybe the gf too) and exreme love for her son, rather than more generally jealousy. Maybe fixing things between you two is not going to happen, or will take time and a lot of work. Still, maybe you can show her you have thought about how you would feel about your son if she remarried - things that could worry her might be your gf being too pushy in a mother role, you favouring the new wife over your son or future children over their brother, you and the new wife questioning her parenting or trying to run her down or turn your son against her or reducing her role in his family life. Maybe you can keep this about your son's best interests, and with time, it might improve. Good luck.
The gf is not your son's mother. The ex-wife should be possessive of your son, since she is the mother. Your gf has no relations with your son. Don't think of your gf all the time, think of your son. Your son would be happy, if he knows that you and your ex-wife love him more than anyone else in the world. Put your son first, not your gf. I used to have a step mother when I was a kid. My father used to take her side all the time, because he was scared of her. My sisters and I hate our step mother.





Your gf should stay out of the business of your son and your ex-wife.
I don't quite understand why people are saying that because she is not your sons mother that she has no authority to discipline your son. I believe if you two are serious about your marriage then you will allow your new wife the freedom to handle situations as they arise. She will get awfully sick of having to say ';you wait until your father comes home';. It is just as equally her household too, and your son has to learn to respect the rules that you and your WIFE have discussed beforehand and implement. I'm not saying you can cut your X out of the picture obviously. However she has to learn that you two only have a connection through your son and thats all. I believe she will use your son against you for whatever advantage she can get over you. Allow your son to decide what he feels comfortable with in calling your wife. Let them cultivate thier own relationship together. Unfortunately the waves you speak of are unavoidable. Your X will be pissed regardless. Although I don't think I would let your wife and X communicate unless absolutely necessesary. Please be open and receptive with your new wifes ideas and such. She has alot to deal with also. You are the head of the family and need to be Dad, and honey, or poo, or whatever you two decide to call each other. Ha,ha. Man I wish you the best of luck it's going to be tough and I hope it works out for everyone.
Nothing you or your fiance do is going to make much difference. Obviously your ex is happy making you miserable. I would suggest that you not let your fiance disipline your son. Do not let your fiance buy him things that your ex would not buy him, say something that you know she would not allow him to have. I think the best advice I could give you is no matter how busy you are, NEVER EVER let your fiance pick up or drop off your son without you. And never bad mouth your ex in front of your son. I realize that you and your fiance are going to have a rough time for a little while, Pray and Pray often for guidance. Good luck and God Bless.
I think every formerly married mom gets a bit upset at the prospect of another woman being a part of HER CHILD'S LIFE.... what your ex has GOT to realize is----your girlfriend will not be taking HER PLACE...you have to COMFORT your EX and let her know that your child has only ONE mother and that your soon to be WIFE will be more like a ';FRIEND'; to your son.... and you have to convince your EX that the girlfriend is NOT going to step over HER authority with the son but that you intend to keep the visitation as it IS and expect HER to do the same... FOR THE SAKE OF YOUR CHILD.