Divorced 3 years have a lovely girlfriend. need girlfriend advice, lacking female perspective.?

there are also my two daughters, aged 3 and 4 from the marriage, but my girlfriend loves them like her own, so that's not what i need help with.


the problem is that occasionally my ex wife will freak out about this or that and send me text messages blaming me for her financial problems, or just trying to pick a fight because..... who knows, bad day perhaps and something about what was makes involving me relevant.


usually, it's about child support, or her bills, or money she should have taken me for, and it's always on the heels of her hitting a tight spot or me maintaining a boundary i set that offends her.


regardless, whatever the catalyst it's epic and happens once every few months.


(for the record i have not missed a payment in 3 years. 1000 dollars a month and the latest i have ever been was a couple weeks once or maybe twice.)





i have nothing bad to say about my ex anymore, saying her name is even strange to me at this point, because i fail to make the connection that we were even married, it feels like another lifetime ago.





here's the problem; i have shared custody of the kids. 50/50. day on, day off and every other weekend.


as an unfortunate side effect, the lines that are naturally open between the girls mom and i (and conversation is VERY limited to a few topics) sometimes serve as a channel for her to vocalize frustration that i am loosley associated with.


my girlfriend has battled with all the things that are normal, feeling like an outsider, the fact that if we get married it'll not be my first time, and the ex spouse factor....


she's done really well, WE'VE done well, and she loves me and the girls very much. she has been living with me for the last 6 months almost and it's been awesome. she does all the things i'd never think of, that only a woman's influence can bring to a situation.





i don't feel badly towards my ex anymore, i understand why she did what she did. my girlfriend thinks less of her but doesn't say much because it usually just drags us both down.


we try to exist as a couple, being a couple, and limit the past to when it's relevant.





i am worried about her though, because sometimes when the freakouts and text messages come, there are hateful things towards ME in them, and although i am able to shrug them off, it affects HER a lot. it can take my lovely girl from ';happy'; to ';almost ready to throw her hands in the air and call it a day'; sad in a second.


i try as much as possible to just keep that stuff to myself, but sometimes we're together, or it warrants bringing up.





i think it reminds her of things she doesn't like to think about....





and THAT part it hurts me and i need some perspective.





can anyone tell me what i can do to make her feel better in these situations?


when you answer please consider that she is very gracious towards me and the girls, and has adapted to a situation i don't even know if i could have nearly as well. she's wonderful.





she has a hard time explaining how she feels during these times and i would love to be able to understand this process so i can continue to have this thing i've been so lucky to find.





cheers.Divorced 3 years have a lovely girlfriend. need girlfriend advice, lacking female perspective.?
I think that you need to change your phone number and/or get another phone. Your new girlfriend does not nor should she be drawn into your petty ex-wife's nasty vortex. Over time this will damage the relationship no matter how wonderful and understanding she is - there is a limit to everything.


Your life is moving on your ex-wife's isn't. She knows that if she keeps the interruptions and conflict up she is getting the attention and taking it away from you new girlfriend.


Let the past go - stop with the texts already, if a text comes in delete it.


If a call comes in don't take it only if it relates directly to the care of the children. Anything else hang up.





Your new girlfriend should not even have to be explain how she feels - she probably feels frustrated and confused.





Do yourself, the kids and your new girlfriend a favour - stop letting this person into your lives.Divorced 3 years have a lovely girlfriend. need girlfriend advice, lacking female perspective.?
I can see her point it hard to hear or see someone being hurtful to the person you love and care about. The only thing you can do is try and protect her from the phone and try not bring up the conversations your having with your ex. I also have a ex and remarried now for 20 years and my husband still gets upset if I tell him and thing that happens between me and my ex fighting. So I don't share with him unless it is going to effect him. We have a 21 year old son together this is why I have any contact with him at all. But even when there grown and out of the house you will still have to deal with them. Good news is not as much. lol Just live your lives as much as you can without her and be happy. Hope this helps
Sounds like you haven't set the boundaries with your ex that you are speaking of. Does the texts bother you? Do you find yourself freaking out so that the girlfriend who loves you freaks out. I'd delete any messages the ex sends that are anything non productive. If you stop them from bothering you, they won't bother her.





I commend your girlfriend and you are very lucky. Its a tough place for her to exist and YOU are the only one to fix it. The ex won't stop, you have to stop letting it affect you.





Congrats to you on finding a really nice girl and for recognizing it. Most men don't.
you need to sit down with your ex and tell her that the text messages are getting old. Tell her if she wants to vent to someone she can talk to her girlfriends because you're not going to put up with it anymore.





when you get stupid messages from her don't even bother to read them- just delete them! no use reading her garbage!





your gf is probably feeling stuck in the middle of a 'marriage'...because usually exs are exs (they attempt to avoid eachother and move on with their lives), your ex seems to be attempting to hold onto something that isn't there or scare your current gf away!
It would help to know the specific insinuations and accusations that your wife makes that cause your girlfriend to react. Are the allegations true? Is your girlfriend reacting to your wife's behavior or the fact that there may be a shred of true in what the ex says about you?





Without the specifics, I would guess that your girlfriend is fearful. What do you do when someone's afraid? You reassure her... gently and tenderly as often as it takes as you try to legally remove the source of the horror. Can you file any kind of harassment for your wife's behavior?
Yeah the day on, day off thing is gonna get REAL old for her.





Get a real visitation schedule, the one where you are not acting like a married couple living in two households.
If I were you I wouldn't be worried at all. Your girlfriend loves you and your kids and even though there are rough times (because of your ex) I doubt your new love will leave you. She seems like a strong woman, willing to stand by your side. Let her know how you feel about wanting her to open up to you during the challenging situations. But if you don't want to burden her with too many issues.....try venting to one of your buddies when your ex is on one of her rampages so you won't lay to much on her shoulders.
Congrats on your wonderful relationship. I have the same exact thing as you do. It's hard to juggle all of these things...I live with my man, I have a son and an exhusband (his father). I know how you feel. Maybe change your cell phone number and only allow the ex to have a home phone number? Maybe she'd be less inclined to yell her rage into an answering machine then a text. You can threaten to take her back to Court for full custody because she is harassing and you worry about your children. And above all, keep the lines of communication open to your girlfriend. Keep talking, it will make her feel in the loop on things. Feel free to e-mail me too. I'm in the same boat!