Divorced dad needs mature advice regarding ';toxic'; ex wife?

I'm getting remarried next week and my gf is very excited about being a stepmom to my 8 yr old son. The problem is my exwife who is possessive of our son and very jealous of my gf.She has already been a problem with my gf's involment with our son and its only going to get worse once we get married. I have joint custody with my exwife and see my son every other day and have to deal with my ex often. I really want to take the high road with my ex(for my sons sake) so whats the best way to handle my gf becoming my son's new stepmom without making waves with my exwife? Divorced moms what would piss u off if your ex got remarried?Divorced dad needs mature advice regarding ';toxic'; ex wife?
Well before my husband married his now ex-wife (complicated enough yet) I was jealous her, and felt that she was taking my family. Your ex could be feeling the same. Plus this woman was mean to my daughter and all. But like the judge told me that once they got married there was nothing that I could do, legally she was part of the fmaily now.





Now tables are turned and this woman called me when me and my husband got married and asked that I not try to take custody of thier son and didn't try to be a mother. I told her I was more mature than she was. But I would be as involved as my husband is. Unofrtunly with his work shedule he and his ex-wife always have extended plans we hardly get to see his son.





Bascially I would lay it out like this to both owmen, he is my son and I'm going to see him. Ex you need to get over the fact things didn't work out with us and step up and be mature for our childs sake, b/c my wife is going to be involved. Wife do you mind if we take the meetings slow, like when I' pick him up you wait in the car or at home?Divorced dad needs mature advice regarding ';toxic'; ex wife?
as a child of divorced parents and now being older i can tell u that all u need to worry about is that yr son doesn't become a tool for evil doing for either of u.





there is nothing u can do about yr ex being a b-tch to yr new wife...all u can do is be the best dad to yr son and try to make contact with yr ex as pleasant as possible and as short as possible.





dont stress on things u have no control over. id recommend not even talking to her unless its necessary.





good luck....
divorced mum saying here that i hated it when the step mum told them what to do , beyond normal discipline.





It's very hard for a mother to let their children go to another womans house and have her act as 'mum' to that child when they are not the mum.


we all worry that the child will love that woman more than they love us.


I know some woman can be out of control when it comes to these situations but think of it in reverse , would you like it if someone else was being 'dad ' to your son?


we want our children to be happy in all circumstances but its not alway easy to 'let go' when it involves a divorce and another woman.
Make sure that your girlfriend does not try to act like she is his mom. He already has a mom. It will be a fine line for your girlfriend to walk; but if your ex feels like your girlfriend is trying to take her place she will resent it. Make sure that your girlfriend doesn't do anything major like cut his hair, etc. that his mom maybe wouldn't want to be done. Try to be a little understanding of your ex, so that maybe she won't feel so threatened.
I've never been married but, I have been in your son's shoes. He's watching everything and hearing every word. Focus on your son. What an ex-wife thinks is not relevent and if she goes as far as to try to start WW III I would say some couseling was in order.
Your ex really needs to let go! If she couldn't take care of you or didn't appreciate you then...why should she care now? That's all I've got to say! Sorry I didn't really answer your question.
I'm glad you know about the ';high road', that means you are willing and able to handle these problems in a mature and respectful way. Remember the boy is the main person to protect and nurture. Stay calm with your ex and show total respect toward both her and your new wife. One thing I can tell you is you are the main parent and your wife should be a support person to your decisions. Present a united front to both your son and his mother, but always model your own respect for your wife in every situation. Being a step- parent is a huge challenge, but I think you and your new partner have a realistic grip on how to proceed with parenting. I admire you for wanting to do the right thing and not just assuming that you have all the answers. This shows you are a caring and decent person. Best of luck to all of you.
I have seen my brother, several friends and a brother in law go through the same issues that you are. Lucia answered this wonderfully. Your son already has a mother...hopefully a good one. Your wife to be needs to be his friend...one that he can confide in and know that he can trust her to be there. later he may like her to be more than a friend...but a second mom. Like Lucia said, he hears AND sees EVERYTHING! It's hard to stand in the background when you are the newbie...but that is what she sometimes needs to do. It's also hard, as Sandimay says, to watch your child go to another woman's home and hope you don't feel left out! You and your ex will always have your son, there is no way to ever deny that. Be friends...maybe have your ex over every couple of weeks for dinner, trip to the park, or a home movie, so she can be friends with your new wife...maybe she is worried she is going to be cut out!


My other sis in law, is the second wife...and she makes it very difficult for my brother. She is bossy with his ex, cuts her down in front of the kids or friends of both parents(clothes aren't perfect, hair too long, etc.) and it hurts the kid's feelings about their mom. My dear friend, and her 2nd husband, are very close to the dad. He comes over a lot...and her 2nd husband has gone out of his way to make sure they are parents first...it just makes life easier. He even encourages them to do things together...without him sometimes. This has worked for over 10 years and her son is a happy and content young man if 18 now! He is comfortable around all 3 of them! If only it could be that way for everyone!


Try to relax and not look ahead to the next problem, but to the next nice visit!


If all else fails, counseling sounds best.


Good luck!
You and your ex wife share a son and no one can take that away. She will always be his mother.No one can take her place in his heart. Save all the problems and have another child with your new wife. That way all of you dont have to fight over one child confuse him.