Starting to waiver about divorce... don't need a lecture, but want practical advice... even if not popular

To waste less time... basically, hubby had a 10 month affair. It was recently discovered. I want to file for divorce. There are 2 kids involved. We are agreeing so far. I'm beginning to waiver in my descision. I miss my husband/ friend/ the kids' father, but definately don't trust him.





Is this repairable? Has anyone else recovered? I know that it may be very hard, but am I jumping the gun because I was hurt? I've heard plenty of once a cheater always a cheater.... I don't need to hear that. I need down to earth practical advice.Starting to waiver about divorce... don't need a lecture, but want practical advice... even if not popular
I'm sorry that you have to go through this. It is so hard. It is common to waiver because there is so much stress in divorce and the uncertainty of what is to come. (fear of the unknown)It can be repairable but you would not be the one who has to repair it. He is. Is he willing to tell you everything and go for marriage counseling. Is he trying to rebuild trust with you?


Iam sure that some relationships have recovered but, again it is because the man was willing to repair the purposeful hurt that he caused the relationship.


You are not jumping the gun. He purposefully broke your vows and destroyed the trust that you had built together. HE knew what he was doing and what could happen when you found out.


You said that you wondered why? Usually men who cheat do it because they have a low self esteem and want that void in their own self filled. They think it will be filled if someone else shows them affection. It never works for, only the man himself can fill that void by loving himself. That's why the affairs continue...he continues to look for love and acceptance and he never finds it in another relationship.Starting to waiver about divorce... don't need a lecture, but want practical advice... even if not popular
Go see a therapist that's your last chance.
It's repairable if BOTH parties want to repair it. AND it's understood what has happened. AND if both parties can grow beyond why it happened.





Essentially, you are going to have to restart your relationship and move forward almost as if your relationship before the new point was with an ex. You are now two different people and the past is just that.





IF you don't deal with the issues, ignore what happened, pretend it is different, it will happen again.
I think the relationship IS repairable, if BOTH of you want to fix it. Know that this will take alot of work and effort on both your parts. First off, you'll have to find out what was going on in the marriage that caused your husband to go outside of the marriage to fulfill some need--and it's probably not sex. You will have to learn to trust him again, and you will have to be able to forgive him. He will have to tolerate your needing to know exactly where he is, and questioning him even somewhat intrusively until trust is restored--and that takes a LONG time.





I know of 2 separate couples whose marriages survived affairs (by the husbands), and they are all very happily married today. The wives will say that it's not an experience they'd want to repeat, but that the entire experience did make their marriages stronger in the long run. One of the women wouldn't allow her husband to go on a business trip unless his brother (who owns a similar business) also went, and they shared a hotel room.





If you're both willing to commit to counseling, I'd give that a shot before breaking up a family. If you're not sure, please try to save your marriage. Best of luck to you both.
You really need to ask yourself about trust. Will you be able to trust this man in the future?, and maybe give yourself some time before you react with a divorce. How does he feel right now? Does he care about your feelings or not? This is a large problem to work out and it seems like you have invested much into your marriage...why not invest in some counseling before you divorce.
It is possible, always.





But it's not just up to you. You may have helped create the breeding ground for the affair, but he's the one we need to know about. Was he pushed or did he jump? Did he like it, or was it just comfort in a cold environment? Has it happened before?





The short answer is, if he is not a roving dog addicted to roving then yes. It is repairable. Especially since you are considering it. You should go to counselling the both of you and take any forgiveness REAL SLOW. It will send a message that he is not gettng away with murder, which is a form of spoiling a partner and can encourage them to go bad.
I'm really sorry for what your having to deal with. I know your pain.First hand. As for whether or nor this is fixable. Yes. But, you just can't go back to the same old same old. Things have got to change and both of you have got to be determined enough to make a commitment to it. Look around for a counselor that you both will agree to sit down with. Or at least a mediator. You can make this work. I know it's a deep hurt. But as you said, jumping the gun on something like this can have repercussions that can be far worse.
If you can't trust him GET OUT. I went through the same thing. my ex-wife cheated and we tried to make it work several times (well I did, she was still cheating) and every time I thought I was over the fact that she did it. It kept coming back and months, no years after the fact, I still got angry every time I thought about it. I felt the same as I did when I first found out.


I know it's hard with kids,But for your own mental stability I would really examine whether you want to continue with your marriage.





One other thing, If it was a one night stand It could be a mistake. Ten months isn't.
You can get some marriage counseling together to see if this can be saved-- I think the kids deserve that much, don't you? (I hate it when kids have to pay for their parent's mistakes by having their home and family destroyed).


Put the divorce on hold, get a good therapist and see how you feel after 3-6 months of counseling.
The biggest question is can you get past the hurt and trust him again. I'm not saying right now, but can you see yourself trusting him at some point?





Also, did the affair end? Does your husband want to work things out?





What he did was wrong, but can You get past it? No one can answer what you should do, but listen to your heart. You have two children with this man, he screwed up, you've put a lot of time and effort into this relationship, maybe it's worth a little more effort from both of you.





Good Luck!
If you feel you are perfect and can walk on water then divorce is it. However, if you feel you may be human look at the situation. Have you ever made a mistake? I have never met anybody who hasn't at one time or another screwed up somehow. What sets the smart ones apart from the dumb ones is to learn from a mistake and not do it again. Yes, your marriage is repairable; Yes, many have recovered from a situation such as this (and been stronger as a result). When you look at the bigger picture consider this; in the war of life do you throw in the towel if you lose a battle. I just get a good grip and move forward. Think about doing the same. You have children involved; sounds like he doesn't abuse or beat you; you are talking; men are not perfect (am one); set some new ground rules and forge a stronger bond between the two of you; I wish you the best of luck.
Does he want to be with you? A 10 month affair tells me no, but if you both agree to want to work it out...give it a shot...


What have you got to lose? I would move on with the divorce and search my soul for a while though.
You have a lot invested in this marriage; if he says he wants another chance and you believe he is sorry, try it; at least it'll give you a chance to get some ducks in a row and prepare so that if it happens again, financially and emotionally you'll be better ready.
The best advice that one could give you is that it really is up to you. This is such a personal decision and while I cant tell you what to think, I am going to try and give you some questions to focus on that may help you come up with an answer.





First off, it is repairable, if you want it to be. Myself, when it comes to cheating, I find it is best to not give second chances, but that may not be the best solution for yourself. If you can find it in your heart to truly forgive and you think he wont do it again, than you may decide to continue the relationship. I know of people who have recovered and I know people who have cut their losses and left. So it can go either way.





What it really comes down to is whether or not you both are willing to come forward, admit your feelings, and move on. This is something that is best done at first by yourself. After you have come to a decision regarding your own position on things, it is then important to go to him and tell him your thoughts. This will allow you both to have a frank discussion on what your future, if any, will be.





I'm truly sorry that this has happened to you. I wish you good luck in your journey. I hope it all works out for the best.
Yes, it's possible to repair this, but it will take time. I applaud you for having the strength and courage to try to forgive. Couples counseling will most certainly be beneficial. Let you husband know that he's got a long road back to your trust ahead of him.The once a cheater thing just isn't true. Forgive...don't forget. Do the work that is necessary, I should say, make HIM do the work that is necessary, to repair the rift. Once again, I think that you are very brave for doing this. Good Luck
can you in your heart truly let go of what he has done? if the answer is yes; then save ur marriage; for u and ur kids; if the answer is no; then dont put urself or ur kids through this; they need a healthy environment; and u not being able to trust ur husband is not healthy. Marriage = Trust and unconditional love; can u go back to that after this? only u can answer the question.
Yes, I feel that this can be repairable. It will take time, and lots of it. It will be long from now when you can finally trust him again. But if he keeps his part together, and shows you he can be trusted, it can work. Wait before you file. Give it time. What else is there to loose? But keep a close eye on him. Good luck. It can work.
It depends on if he wants to save the marriage. If he is not asking for forgiveness and saying he's sorry then you need to go through with the divorce because most likely it will happen again.


On the other hand... if he wants to save your marriage then I would definitely say stay in it. Its LIFE.. sometimes it sucks. Sometimes you get hurt or you do the hurting.


You get lied to or you do the lying.


You need to communicate with him and see what led to him having the affair (10months is a long time). So does he feel he was missing something or what? Its gonna hurt like hell, and it will probably take a long time to start to trust him again, but only you know if its worth it.


The only way it will work is if you both agree to make it work. But dont loose your husband, your friend, and your kids dad because of a mistake he's made.


Work it out if possible - good luck.
If you do not know what to do, then do nothing.


Take your time making the biggest decision of your marriage.


What makes it hard to get past an affair is more than your spouse having sex with another person. Have you seen the woman? Is your husband through with her? Does he want you to forgive him and keep the marriage. People do survive affairs. But, I have not seen anyone do it happily. 10 months is a pretty long affair.


Honestly, I could not be so forgiving. I put to much into my marriage. I would not be able to look at him, much less forgive him. But, that is me.


Good luck with whatever you decide.
If he went outside of your marriage for sex and romance he must think he is missing something with you. Even if you forgive, what made him be attracted and act it out will happen again. We all need to be happy in our lives. Apparently he wasn't happy at home romantically so something needs to change there. You can only fake it soo long too! You know what I'm saying? Change and be happy with the change!


Sometimes you don't have to hate the person, just want to find happiness in our lives.
I am so sorry. I have two kids with my husband, and I can imagine how devestating it must be. Hang in there, whether you like it or not, you are on the path of spiritual growth (and I don't nec. mean Christian spirituality).


If you can go the extra mile and truly forgive him, whether you divorce him or not, you will become a more enlightened individual.


Is he truly remorseful? If so, the marriage may stand a chance. If he agrees that a divorce is the best answer, maybe he is just itching to be with someone else, and you should let him go. It depends on the individual situation.


However, many marriages have recovered after affairs. Both parties have to be deeply commited to changing a pattern (or two) of the way you interact together.


For the best chances of re-creating a healthy marriage, you should seek out counseling, both individualy and together.


Good luck, your kids deserve for you to try to keep it together. It is so rare these days to grow up with married parents, but I really think that if your kids see that you made sacrifices to stay together, they will be much more likely to have lasting relationships themselves.
halt the divorce and do a legal separation and then call a marriage councellor. you both have to be committed to this. If it turns out neither of you are, then you can proceed.





Good luck.
Its understandable that you are having second thoughts...a change like a divorce is frightening as is an unknown future.





Restoring trust is the biggest mountain to over come and its unlikely you can do that without a lot of work, including professional counseling.





What will you think the first night he ';works late';? What about the first time he calls and says he is going out with the guys for a drink after work? A ten month affair is a lot, what are his feelings for this person now? Do you know all the facts...such as if a child might be involved, does she want the relationship to end, will he decide to go back to it?





These are some of the things you have to consider. Good luck.
If you want to work it out I suggest you try. You husband is going to have to rebuild the trust he has lost. I would suggest couples counselling.
I think a lot of women go through this, but don't admit it because they are afraid of coming off looking like weak women.





I think that in every relationship there is a possibility that someone will cheat..not meaning to sound negative, just honest.





You can take him back, but can't dwell on the affair or you'll end up leaving him eventually anyway. If you can never forgive or trust him again, then it's best to go with that divorce.





You don't want to spend the rest of your days questioning where he's going or what he's been doing. It will drive you both crazy and it's unhealthy.
(1) situation: You stated what YOU feel; But never mentioned what HIS response was to getting found out! THAT is the most important thing in this situation. Most Women ask-Do you love Her? Were you afraid of the answer? Maybe HE want's out of your ';relationship';. Has he begged you to forgive him?; has he vowed never to see Her again? A 10 Month ';affair'; is serious! He found something missing in his life, besides Sex. As difficult as it is YOU NEED TO TALK to him about it! FIRST! Your personal relationship(intimacy/ communication) has aparantly dissolved; with attention to family/work ect. Getting it back will require work; and BOTH of you need to want it back. If you Love Him (you did not say) it IS worth it. Couples who have been able to work through these things have created a stronger better relationship. But not because of fear of lonliness or change; or convenievce; but because you LOVE each other really care about reclaiming the relationship, that you have lost.





(2) Seperation/Divorce: is difficult. Most people are struggling along to make ends meet with one household to support. All your assets are Marital property; are subject to division by the Court; including custody %26amp; control of your children. (If you suddenly have to work outside the home more; to take support the children, you could even end up losing custody; if he should re-marry and have a stay-at -home Wife.) Living seperately with the same amount of family income/assets can be a significant hardship. (Each party needs a residence; transportatin ect ect. Even when the parties are agreed to no longer be together; is requires advance ';planning';; so everyone, especially the children do not suffer any more than necessary. Good Luck
As Dr. Phil says ';Do you miss your man or do you miss the Man you wish he was';? Think about it. I have walked in your shoes. It's hard getting there, Once you do life is a happy place to be!
If hubby wants to repair the relationship and you're both willing to do the counselling etc. thing, then it can be repaired. My relationship with my wife is the best it's been in years. It's not perfect by any means, but anyone looking for the perfect relationship is going to end up miserable. Don't believe the hype, *anyone* can change... it's just that many people just don't want to or aren't willing to do the work.
Hi Hun,





I know this must be so hard for you. Your trust was broken and you will never be the same. All I can say is that the hardest decision to make is usually the right one. I know you miss him and I'm sure the kids do too. This disruption in your life is not right, you deserve better. PLease be strong, he will never learn his lesson if you take him back, even if he swears to you that he will never do it again, once the worries are gone he will get bored and history will repeat. All I can say is don't draw out this pain longer than needed. It will take you a while to recover, but you are already on your way. Do you want to feel this kind of pain again? I couldn't imagine that you would. Please take my advice and the advice of many others that will agree with me I'm sure, don't go back!





Happiness is waiting out there for you, you just need to go find it. In the meanwhile keep yourself occupied and do not get involved with anyone else until you have had time to heal! Focus on your children and the happiness they give you. If they try to talk you into getting back together because they miss their dad you need to tell them that isn't possible and they will understand when they get older. If HE puts them up to it you will need to address this with him, they are affected by all this too and it is HIS fault. Counseling would be good for you and children, it's always good to have someone elses perspective to keep you in line.





I hope this helps. Stay strong love!
If this is his first time, then I say give it a chance. Make sure the girlfriend is out of the picture, and get some marital counseling.





If it happens again, then I say walk away.