Advice from divorced or separated women with kids?

I need some advice from women that went through leaving a husband. How hard was it to leave? What to do when it's hard for you to move on? What do you do when everytime you feel like you have enout courage to walk out of the door, you turn around and go back because you feel like it's too much to bear (feels like the death of a loved one)? Does marriage technically mean til death do you part no matter what kind of lying and decieving your mate is doing or how much you are in pain? Thanks.Advice from divorced or separated women with kids?
I am a divorced woman with two older kids and remarried with a baby and, it is hard to seperate but if there is nothing left it's not worth it. The kids don't need to suffer and neither should you. The kids are going to learn from you that the way things are in your life are ok, and it's not ok if you don't want the same for them. It's hard at first but as time moves on you will adjust, believe me it is NOT the end of the world. Have friends? Use them for an ear, you will do some talking, it's theraputic.There are many other people in this world to meet than can and want to share the same qualities that you have and make a family again.


Best of luck. Keep you head up and smile!Advice from divorced or separated women with kids?
i am a man miserably narried for 13 years





till death do us part stands exactly for what it is!





respect your vows.





unless he is hitting you or cheating





if he is, then it is easy to walk out





if it is verbal abuse like my witch, tough it out for the kids
My husband left an unhappy marriage and he always, always comments on how he needed to go through that in order to appreciate the relationship we have. He will never take us for granted and is a totally different person than who he used to be. He has said to me, ';I was a bad father and a bad husband because I was so unhappy,'; and he tells me stories about how he used to be and I don't even know that man. Your happiness affects everything around you, your family, your health, everything. Kids are very perceptive and even if you think they don't know, they do or will eventually figure it out.





What I am trying to say is that being unhappy and staying for the kids can be a distructive situation and that there is life after divorce. I am NOT telling you to get divorced, because I truely believe in marriage and that divorce isn't always the answer, but it is an option. You are stronger than you probably realize. Good luck :)
Oh my god it was so hard. It took me a while. Once you have had enough though you will be able to do it. Try not to have contact with your mate for a little while it just makes it harder. Rely on family and friends to help you through this. You CAN overcome it. As far as staying you are the only one that knows whether or not you will ever really forgive him. If this is something you know you will never be able to do then you need to leave or you will only regret the time you are wasting with him. Believe me there are others out there that can make you feel wonderful and loved. I married the man I couldn't have been with 5 years ago last year. The only reason we weren't together before that was because of the past relationship I was in. It will get better I promise and your kids will appreciate it later as well, no one wants a mom and dad that deceive each other. They want a happy home.....
I have dealt with so much bs from my now EX-husband that I should write a book. My husband and I were married young (18) and also divorced young, this year at the age of 23. Prior to being married, I knew that he habit of being pretty much a compulsive liar but nothing was ever that big in my eyes that would compromise our relationship or my leaving him. I figured that it was maturity issue and that things would be different once we were married. I should've known better and realized that those were ultimately warning signs that predicted our fate. He cheated on me and lied about it, first the girl was coming on to him and then as more of the story accidently leaked out and his lies weren't matching up, he admitted to cheating (but never slept with her...yeah right.). I moved out to Germany to be with him while he was on active duty with the Army and you would smack me in the head for stupidity for the things that I put up with there. He would constantly lie to me about having over night guard duty (sometimes he would say that oh we dont have to wear our uniform and then once I was getting on him about that, he started wearing his uniform and would keep a change of clothes in a bag and change once he got to his friends barracks) and then our babysitter would never be around on Friday nights when he went out with his friends so I could never go...One of his friends that he used to drag home to actually hang out with me so he could pass out actually fessed up to me about what was really going on...At my husband's decision, he rounded up all of the guys and would take them first to the strip club and then to the Red Light District all while I was sitting at home watching our lil baby girl. I left him at that point (although he only admits to going there and not doing anything...once again yeah right)...Oh and while I was pregnant and he was overseas, I found out that he was on a military dating website too...But we continued to talk while I was back home in NY and he was still in Germany and for some dumb reason he promised that things were going to change once he got out of the military and even reasoned that the military was what influenced him to be such an a*shole to me. I know it sounds like stupid reasoning but I was naive and thinking with my heart when I shouldve been thinking with my head. I wanted to keep our family together for the sake of my daughter and I always wanted to believe his biggest lie, that he loved me and that he would change. I never had the actual hard proof that he had cheated beyond hearsay so although my trust was pretty much non-existent for him, I stayed. Needless to say we lived together back in NY for a lil over a year and this past March, I finally got the proof that I needed to make me realize that this man was way too selfish and immature to ever change. He went out one night and came home drunk and with a hickey on his neck. He even tried to lie that it wasn't a hickey and that he had no idea how it happened...I kept him around for a few days and then just out of pure suspicion, I checked his wallet and found a note saying ';Hey sexy, hope you have a good night and think of me:)';..That was it, I kicked him out right there and then and am so happy now that I did...I checked his cell phone bill and he was having an affair or at least talking to this skank since a lil before Valentine's day. I knew that he was being secretive but I really wanted to believe it this time and that he would forfeit his child and daughter for some immediate gratification from some chick. Perhaps, he thought that he would just get away with it again and that I would stay with him just as I had before because it was only after finding all of the hard proof of the hickey, cell phone bill, and letter that he admitted to it but once again he said that he didn't sleep with her...yeah right...When I first kicked him out, he didnt seem to care bc I guess he still had the skank pining away for his affection but a few weeks later and then again a few months later, he tried to reconcile claiming that he it took this much for him to realize what he has lost and that he can't be without me..blah blah blah...I started to reconsider the divorce bc I did care about him on some level but thank god I actually used my head for once and kept reminding myself of what had brought us to where we were...words are just words if there is no action behind them and at that point I didnt even care if there was...I would not subject myself to anymore pain and I would not subject my daughter to ever seeing our marriage as the basis of a relationship bc I dont ever want her to endure what I have. Well our divorce was finalized a few weeks ago and I am so happy that it is...and you know what he hasn't changed...hes dating this chick Kristin and guess what prior to me knowing about it but knowing now that they are together...we had slept together...If I had known it would never have happened but I was lonely and Ill leave it at that...The point of my telling that is that he never changed, he's just doing it someone else and hopefully that chick will wisen up to his bs a lot soon then I did...I think that people have the capacity to change if they really want to but if they dont do it for themselves, they will never change and Im sorry people cannot change for the sake of someone else. If you really believe that he is sorry for his wrongs and is wanting to change bc HE realizes that he was wrong (not that he got caught or will lose you) make him prove it by separating for a while and make him go to counseling...If he demonstrates that he devoted to changing himself to be a better person then perhaps you two could have a future together. If not, then you know what you have to do..No one should have to endure this esp more then once, it was one of the most painful and hurtful things anyone has ever done to me...esp bc he was the person closest to me...and you can't allow him to get away with it by forgiving him so easily. If you do just forgive, you most certainly wont be able to forget and counseling is going to be necessary for him alone as well as for both of you as a couple. It definitely will seem hard at first and will definitely be hard as you go through a divorce. It is like the death of a loved one and it will be hard but do you really want your children to have your bad marriage and his selish behavior as a guideline and example of what a healthy relationship/marriage should be? Do you think that it is better to stay for the kids and have them see how miserable you are or see you get out and show that no one should be treated so badly. Their father will play a role in their lives if he wants to so they will adjust and be okay with time. Trust me they are better off then seeing you two at each other's throats. And no, marriage does not mean til' death do you part especially if lying and decieving have already impeded on those vows. I got the courage to leave bc I couldn't take the lies, the cheating, and the pain that was coming out of trying to hold on to something that was only serving its purpose as being familiar and providing security on some level. It was definitely hard and still is hard but I know that I am better off without him and that time will heal all wounds. I would rather be lonely or sad on my own bc being with him was so much lonlier and hurtful. At least now I dont have to put up with anyones games and I can focus on what makes me happy and esp my daughter and her wellbeing. I spent way too much time focused on him and his bs to really focus on myself or anyone else for that matter. I am not dating anyone as of right now but I have faith that I will meet someone that will treat me with the love and respect that I know I never got from him but that I deserve. Good luck and remember you have to be strong right now and you also need to differentiate your emotions from ur good reasoning...Emotions can be very decieving as you have seen with my following my heart constantly only to get hurt time and time again...and the best advice to give you is to think with your head and really contemplate what staying married to someone like this could entail and what will make you happy. Good luck and I sincerely hope that whatever decision you come to will make bring you happiness and keep you from being hurt.
Been there...I wanted to leave so many times and just couldn't make myself do it. Once, even had 80% of my belongings packed and family set to come over and help me move, and still couldn't do it. What it means to me is true love and you need to find a way to work it out no matter what it takes. Being with someone that lies is hard, but there has got to be a solution somehow, somewhere.
Standing on your own feet and stopping being co-dependent is wonderful. Of course it's hard to admit that there is no way of fixing a marriage and to break up a family. It took me 2 years to plan it out and and get it done. It was hard but it was all worth it.





My son and I are happy and safe now. No more bitter arguments, no more lies, no more deception no more physical abuse. It's over, Now I'm ME again and my and my son are very happy in our modest but happy home.





Life is too short to be miserable. Save yourself and your children from an unhealthy unhappy life.





Good luck
It was very hard since we had two kids. But it is not good for children to see fighting and arguing all the time. It's very scarey to get out there on your own again, but if you are not happy and you see no resolution to your problems it is best you move on. Women can be very strong when needed and you should have faith in yourselve to do as you need. It is never easy to break up even if you are not married. If you are not happy and your needs are not being fulfilled, you should move on. It's not a death of a loved one, its the death of a relationship. Good luck to you.
Yes, it's hard especially when you love the loser and having kids. But it's not impossible. But first you have to make up in your mind if this is really what you want. There are some marriages that can survive the lying and deceiving with help. It all depends on how long you want to put up with this type of behavior. I'm sure when we all take those vows, we mean every word we say but in this society things do happen to change the death til we part. If you have a close friend or minister that you can talk to or you can suggest to your spouse the idea of marriage counseling. Good luck.
I believe that marriage is till death do you part, but not no matter what. In the Bible it says that adultry is grounds for a divorce. God doesn't want to see anyone miserable. I was married for two years. Two years I put up with a controlling husband. I wasn't allowed to have friends, go out, or even work. Me being a submissive, God fearing woman, I delt with it. He was the type of man who felt like a woman should be at home with the kids and the husband should work. I lived for two years being controlled and I had lost myself. I loved this man.


I later found out from his family that he had not only cheated on me, but that he got the other woman pregnant and she ended up having the baby. I felt like such a fool. While I was at home doing everything this man asked me too, he was out making babies...and with his ex girlfriend.


Even after I found out about the baby it was hard for me to leave. Call me stupid and gulliable and a sucka for love but i stayed with him even after that hoping that we could still fix things. We fought and argued all the time though because his conscience ate him up. He knew he did wrong and I guess he felt so guilty that he kept trying to accuse me of things. I was faithful to this man the whole time we were married. There were many times I wanted to leave. I packed my things but never left. I thought about the kids, and I thought in the back of my mind ';things will get better';. On top of that I was in love with the man and this wasn't a boyfriend, this was my HUSBAND!!!


Finally when he just got too much and it got abusive physically, and emotionally, I just had enough. It was hard then too. I still had hope in my heart that things would get better but I had to be strong and love myself more that I loved this man. I started talking to my friends again and even though I pushed all of the aside for him, they still were there for me. The more I talked to them, the more I refound myself. I became stronger and found the courage to leave him. It is hard, especially when you have your spouse telling you they still love you and they'll change and every other thing you want to hear. I had to keep myself busy and not think about the past, not the good times, not the bad times, nothing. I had to think about the future and my kids. I had to come first and love myself.


I hope this helped.
Leaving an unhappy marriage is the hardest thing I've ever tried to do. Notice I typed in 'TRIED.' I never actually made it out the door because I love the man. That's what sucks. No matter what he does or how he acts I do love him and I do want our marriage to work. I know in the back of my head that nothing will ever be good about our marriage, but I hold on anyway.





Leaving gets even harder when children are involved. My daughter loves her daddy dearly. They don't share a strong father-daughter relationship nor does he take up much time with her, but she likes the idea of us being in the house together.





Search your soul sister then give this problem to God. I have never been a every Sunday church goer, but I know that when things get too tough for me to handle I can give it all to God and he'll take care of everything. Maybe that's what you need to do.
I left my ex after almost ten years of marriage and four kids. He was cheating on me, doing drugs, and beating me. It was hard to leave. It took a year to build up the courage.


It will feel like a death to you...it is the death of a relationship. It will be hard but it will make you so much stronger. I too, struggled with the til death do you part aspect, but I know that God wouldn't have wanted me to suffer. You shouldn't have to suffer and be miserable when you could be happier alone or with someone else. It took three years but I met the man I do feel I am supposed to be with. He makes me so happy and loves me so much. He is also a great stepdad to my four girls. Meanwhile my ex is still miserable and living a crappy life as he deserves.


I hope you find the courage to leave. Think of your babies. If they are girls and you stay they look to their main male role model (their dad in this case) as to who they will want for a husband. Do you want them marrying someone like him? If you have boys, they will grow up to treat women the same way that their father does, do you want that?


Good luck to you.
Sweetie, the hardest part is facing yourself in the mirror when you come to the point in your life where you just cant do it anymore. My ex and I were together for 12 yrs with 2 kids. He has a very serious alcohol problem and after awhile I just couldnt live with all the problems that created. It was so hard to pack up everything and leave, but I did what was best for my kids and myself. Life has been an uphill battle every step of the way since then, but I am so much happier and for the first time fulfilling MYSELF for a change. The kids took it hard, but their dad never even calls anymore and we have moved on.Good luck. A big decision like this is never easy. Find your inner strength. Its there. I dont hate my ex, but I do love myself now. Hope everything works out for you.
I've been married for 9 years. I've not had 1 good year with this man yet. We're not compatible. I love him cause he's the father of my 2 kids. I respect him since he pay the bills. But he's got the attitude that he can do whatever he wants to do since he pays all the bills. He doesn't like a lot of sex, I do. We don't communicate well. Budget...so much for that.


Let's just say that I was healthier, bubblier, and not as easily angered when I was single. I miss those days. I'm really here for the kids.
if he is 'lying and deceiving' you, you should definitely leave him. i personally have never been married, but when my mom left my dad, because he was abusive, i don't think it was that hard. he not only abused her, but all of us kids as well. she did what she knew was right and got out of there because of us, and ive never seen him since. And don't worry about the kids, the woman usually ends up keeping them, because its usually the man who is in the wrong. thats just my two cents, but if you really want to do what is best for the kids, you should just scram. sorry i can't help any more. e-mail me if you have any more qeustions.
It took me 4 years to leave my husband who was having an affair (though he kept denying it). I finally got fed up with the lies and packed my stuff and our two kids (12 and 14 at the time) and moved out. He didn't think I was going to be gone for too long. We had been married since I was 17 and he was all I knew for all those years. He thought I would come back the minute the going got tough, but I had made a decision to never return no matter how tough the going got. I honestly say that it was very difficult at first, but I learned how to survive and bounce back. I focused on me and my boys and grew from the experience. When he saw that I wasn't coming back begging him to take me in, he ';suddenly'; had a change of heart and wanted to come live with me. Every fiber in my being wanted to take him back but I resisted knowing that I deserved much better. Thank God I didn't because he had never broken the relationship off with the other woman. I filed for divorce and 3 years later, I met a wonderful man who's crazy about me and loves my boys and treats them like his own. My boys also love my husband.





All that to say that it will be hard. There will be shedding of tears and many lonely nights. But hold your ground and let it build you and make you stronger.





My advise to you is this....If you're in a relationship where your husband is cheating on your, abusing you in ANY way (physically, verbal, emotionally, etc), then get out. Do it for you and do it for the kids. You deserve to be respected and honored and if you're husband has broken his vows, then you have every right to walk away with you head up high. Life goes on. In time, you will heal and you'll look back and ask yourself ';what was I thinking';...';what took me so long?';.





But, on the other hand. If you are just unhappy and you really don't have any problems with your husband, then I suggest you talk to him and try to make it work. Go to a marriage counselor and seek to bring the happiness and love back into your marriage.





Good luck!