It is admirable that you and your ex have worked things out agreeably. Know that when a marriage ends it is a major loss that needs to be grieved for. It sounds as though you may still be in the denial phase of grief, which is absolutely normal.Our happiness is not based on someone else - that is a huge responsibility for someone else to have placed in their hands. Now is a great time to become reacquainted with Who You Really Are. Find activities to enjoy in your spare time, both with other people and on your own. Divorce is like being inside a snowglobe when it is shaken - you cant' see what is really going on or which way is up for that matter, until things settle down again. It might be helpful to speak with a counselor, or at the very least, journal your feelings. Treat yourself kindly as you move into this new way of living on your own. It would be unfair to begin a serious relationship when you are still in the middle of reconciling the fact you are divorced within your own heart and are still pining away for our ex. Generally speaking, it takes a year or more to really adjust to the enormous life changes you are going through. Don't become bogged down in the desire for a relationship right now. We often use relationships as distractions to keep us from really seeing what is going on in our lives. This situation affords you a great opportunity to recognize and appreciate all the wonderful things in your life and especially in yourself. It also gives you the opportunity to examine what you feel is not working within yourself and your life and begin to make adjustments to find the contentment that you seek. Unlike many people, you have managed to have an amicable divorce situation. That says a lot of good things about you. Take some time out for yourself, treat yourself kindly, allow yourself to grieve and really process all the changes in your life. There are many good books out there, too and divorce support groups that you may find beneficial as well. Best Wishes to You.Divorced! NOW WHAT? serious advice for handling loneliness and depression?
I think you should go out and try to enjoy yourself. It sucks to feel lonely and depressed. You deserve to feel happy. Don't feel bad about trying to date or have companionship with other females. Enjoy your life. I hope everything works out for you.
Tell her you love her and would like to try counseling if she is willing.If not, then get into church and wait a year or so before you date at all and keep it secret from your kids.
Time to start calling some old friends and getting out! Make a plan to leave the house on Saturdays and Sunday! Join a group or something. See how things go after you find yourself!
Go out and date.
It seems your ex wife, is emphatic about how she feels, and must have for a long time. If there wasn't any sex in your marriage.
As hard as it is, you need to look after your own well being. For now, I would forget about dating just for the sex. That can bring other problems, into your life that you don't really need just now.
See if you can't find a lady friend, to share a meal with, go to movies, etc. Take it easy, get to know her well first.
It seems you made a mistake with your ex wife, so don't rush into anything serious just now.
Get your bearings first.
If you really need that sex try some local bar, for a one night fling, but with that, be sure to take precautions too.
For you just now, it's slow and easy.
I don't know the reasons for your divorce and without knowing your wife, it's hard to answer this. It sounds like this didn't just come out of the blue and has been brewing for some time. If you didn't want the divorce and you think she might feel the same way deep inside or that she may regret it and come around, then there would be hope. If you still love her and you think she still loves you, then you should try. Ask yourself: why did you two get married in the first place? What changed? What would you do differently if you had another chance? You said you still love her and you have babies together. I don't think running into another relationship is going to help anything at all. If anything, it will just compound things even more and you'll feel even worse than you do. Use this time for yourself. You don't want to seem desperate or clingy. Treat yourself nice right now. I you don't, who else will? You might want to pursue some interests or hobbies, join a divorce support group, join a health club or work on a health/fitness routine, or whatever else you enjoy doing. Spend as much time with your kids as you can, of course. Also, use some of your time for self reflection and self improvement. Whatever happens between you and your (ex)wife, you will be a better person, father and husband the next time around. This is not to say that your wife was not at fault, too, but you can't control what she does or thinks, so just concentrate on making yourself better.
Another thing you could try is to see if she would go to marriage counseling with you. I know, you're divorced and ideally, marriage counseling comes before the divorce, but there are no rules here. You should try everything you can and then, if nothing works, you can be at peace with yourself, knowing that you really tried everything. If she doesn't want to go to counseling, and maybe even in addition to that, you may benefit from some therapy to get through this yourself.
I sincerely hope everything works out for you. I'm not that religious, but remember that prayer can help, too. Good luck and God Bless!
My wife is asking me for a separation, with divorce as a future option, after 10 years of marriage and a 13 year total relationship (with three beautiful girls). There has been no ';good'; sex in our marriage for about 5 or 6 years...there has been average sex up until about a month ago when she cut me off for good.
She wants a peaceful and respectful agreement as we go on our separate ways. There has been no cheating or violence or any type of major destructive action from either of us, at least as far as I know.
I am slowly starting to come around and will start to work out a separation plan with her. But, like you stated, ';I still love this woman and want my family';.
I'm already lonely. I'm already without a companion. I can't even imagine going through the timeframe that you've gone through without having someone to speak to, get a hug from, or spend quality ';relationship'; time with...like I said, I'm already hurting.
For those other posts that mentioned sex, sex, sex...they are wrong.
It is more than sex. It is having a companion that gives you love and lets you know that you are ';wanted';. Our needs as humans are Air, Water, Food, Shelter, and I believe Love.
And, my friend, you will go looney if you don't feel wanted soon.
Here is what I'm going to try and maybe you could try (although I'm just starting this challenge):
1. Keep loving your ex-wife in your heart...in the untouchable sense.
2. Start looking for an actual person that you can touch with your hands, hear with your ears, and desire with your eyes.
3. One day your ex-wife will slip from your heart just enough and just maybe you'll have room in there to replace her with your new found companion.
And I know it is not just about sex...lots of us understand what you are talking about. Hang in there and keep your eyes open for that future heart-breaker. (just a little joke)
If your life is based on just having sex, it won't work and I am not saying that just to be mean. A relationship is giving to each at 100%, giving to each other and not being selfish. That is what real love is all about. Asking her to have sex with her after the the divorce settlement just confirmed why this has happened to you. Again I am just pointing out what you wrote. I am guessing in your relationship that your mind was on sex and hers was wanting someone to help her around the house or just to be there for her when she needed someone. Sex is only important to men and women want security and help around the house even if she is working. Giving her breaks from the children would have been good to so that she can have time by herself or even a once a week going out to eat and hire a babysitter to watch the kinds so you can have some time to talk. I have been married twice. The first one was not so great, but the second one was a perfect catch. We have been happily married for over 20 years now. If you are lonely, there is nothing wrong with going out, but sex can not be the motive okay? You want companionship, but you have to be patient. My marriage worked the second time because we both gave our lives to God. No matter what you heard, without God in a relationship, it really will not last. He is the author of love. Also find a good church and get involved with the singles group. That really helped me and I know it will with you. Sorry this is long, but it reminded me of my life and I wanted to share it with you. Hope this helps!
You have babies with your wife and still love her, so that's a good enough reason to try and work out any problems which has arisen in the relationship. You shouldn't just give up easily especially if you both have made the commitment and had children. She maybe suffering from postnatal depression after having children and has lost feelings because of it. You could start by writing a letter to her, with all your feelings, about the relationship and children and how you would like to try and get back together. Don't rush it....Take it very slowly and gently. Maybe there is a family member/friend who could act as a go between.
Writing letters/emails is non threatening and a good way to start with communication.
If she agrees, then the next step would be counselling if that helps..Take care and don't give up easily.
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