Another reason I stay - my parents divorced when I was young. My mom moved and I didn't see or talk to her for several yrs. My dad became an alchoholic and ignored me, so I raised myself, but with many emotional scars that still remain. I fear that my children will be hurt more by a divorce, like me, than if I stay. I don't want them to lose either parent, so I stay for them. What do I do now?I'd like advice from people whose parents divorced when they were children. Should I divorce or stay?
If you love them so much, you can still keep in touch with them after a divorce. Divorce is the last choice, but if you really don't stand the sight of your wife anymore, I'd say leave her and ask for at least joint custody of the children... They are big enough to understand and you won't end up a miserable man after they are grown and leave the home for college and to make their own homes., You have a life to live also....I'd like advice from people whose parents divorced when they were children. Should I divorce or stay?
Marriage is forever. You should try to work it out. Talk to her. Go on a romantic weekend away without the kids. Think of all the things she did/said when you first realized you were falling in love with her.
Yeah i would totally stay for the kids. IF you think that the kids need you then you should stay.
My parents divorced when I was 13 and it left me an emotional wreck for MANY years. Suicide, self mutilation..... I tried it ALL. In college I put myself into councelling and it literally ';saved'; my life.
Divorce is hard on kids, especially at those ages. Please for their sake, try to work it out with your wife. See a marriage couselor together, not some hippy straightt out of college, or some 90 y/o social worker, but try a pastor at a church. You don't have to be a christian.
Pastors tend to be a little more sympathetic to the human condition, and will help you find each other again through love and differences. In other words, you won't be sitting down for an hour long ';I hate you session';, but a ';How can we make this work'; meeting.
Before I was married my husband and I went through pre-marital with a pastor, and we STILL apply the things he taught us! Also try the book ';What Every Man Wants in a Woman, What Every Woman Wants in a Man';, by John and Dianne Hagee. It has a half for each spouse to read, and sheads amazing insight into marriage. Good Luck!
I only have a couple of things to add to your thoughts. If you feel that crappy when you are at home, you can be sure that the kids will pick up on it and know that it isn't right. Fighting, yelling, arguing, etcetera all make an impact. By staying, you could make everyones lives unhappy. That doesn't mean it won't get worse before it gets better though.
The best thing for the kids is to get a divorce... Whether you realize it or not, you being unhappy in your marriage is affecting them. My parents divorced when I was young and it was the best thing ever. I've always been very close to both of my parents, but they both made sure that they stayed civil with each other.
Your kids are old enough to choose were they want to live and if they choose to live with their mother don't fight over it. Just let you children know that when ever they want they can come to you.
What I mean is... just keep the divorce simple, It make it much easier on them.
In most cases, the kids usually suffer the most in a divorce.
I would say you should stay and see to it that the kids have a good life. Then when the kids are old enough, if the marriage is still bad, file then. Until then work on developing yourself spiritually and physically so that the transition back to being single will be smoother.
divorce is a sin. when a man divorces a women and the women re marries the man has committed adultery.
Its in the bible.
read the bible and become wise.
Im going thru the same thing. We have a 3 and 5 yr old. And we pretty much stayed due to the kids but we realize that it is hurting them more when they see us unhappy,fighting, arguing. We decieded that I take the kids and he visits them.
my parents divorced when I was 6yo. I am and was glad they did, my father was abusive.
I can understand why the choice to stay or go weighs heavily on you. I do wonder though since you have been in the 13yo life if there is any way you could get visitation with her even though your not her biological father but can prove your relationship with her. I don't think your doing yourself or your kids any favors by staying married.
Have you talked to your wife? Have you asked her if she would mutually agree the children would be best with you? If she is already withdrawn from the children, she's only damaging them emotionally.
I would seriously consider talking to an attorney. If for nothing else to find out all your legal options.
I wish nothing but the best for you in this struggle.
If you stay, your children will not see a happy family. And that could be just as bad as a divorce. Just because you are not with their mother any more does not mean you don't love them. It is not selfish for you to want to be happy!!!!!!! Do what you need to do. You can still be a good father.
It sounds like you have had a difficult life, many of us have similar experiences as you. It answer to your question comes down to this, what is better for the children. If you and your wife are always fighting and the lives of your children are affected in a negative way, then it may be better to get divorced. If you do get divorced, you must still be a dad to your children.
My parents like your parents also divorced. It made me a different person, it also made me want to make my marriage work.
Have you and the Mrs been to a therapist? Maybe you guys can start over, work on the problems!! If not, or can't..and you do divorce, make sure you get a good attorney, and fight for the right for custody. The 13 year old is probably not going to be able to see you, but at the age of 14 in most states, she has a right to say in court. It may be possible to get some sort of supervised visitation with her. I say supervised because you are not her legal parent. Good Luck!
Don't waste your time on someone, who isn't willing to waste their time on you. Being the father that you say you are, your kids will be fine.
Wow.....first let me commend you for being an AWESOME dad and putting your children first. I do not think children are a reason to stay in a marriage. Children will be happier in two happy homes rather than one miserable one. Chances are, you may be able to get custody. Talk to an attorney....the 13-yr-old may be able to say who she wants to live with, and if you get your two, then the judge just may grant you custody of her (as a legal guardian). Either way, it will be evident to your children how much you genuinely love all three of them and that alone will make them feel worthy and loved when they get older.
Get out of your miserable marriage, and your kids will be so much happier .
do onto others how u wuld like others to do onto you.
Theres no right or wrong answer to this question. And to be honest I don't think anyone on here will give you a good analysis. I think this is something you will have to decide on your own or with the help of a very close friend. I am married to man who comes from a divorced family. His mom was married 3 times before she finally settled down. He was moved back and forth between mom, dad, stepdads, grandparents and aunts and uncles. I have to say, its hard being married to someone like that. But what keeps me in this marriage is number one my kids and also (not to brag) I am very patient with my husband. He has a very low self esteem and a horrible inferiority complex. Its almost like having a third child. We started dating when we were in our teens and he was very adamant about getting married at a young age. Of course being young and stupid, I went right along with it. And now here I am, 23 yrs old, married and 2 kids. So I have seen the damage divorce has on people. But on the other hand, I don't know what he would have been like if his mom and dad would have stayed together. For all I know he could have been worse. So I think this decision needs to be made with lots of time and thought. We don't really know your situation or your kids so we can't say for sure what you should do. I wish you the best of luck and hope everything turns out alright. :)
Much as i would like to say stay in it for the kids, i dont think that will work for you. I was deeply hurt by my parents divorce which happened the day after my 12th birthday, and was devastated at the thought of leaving either one, but i could see how it worked better them being apart, and i knew it was for the best in the long run. I can see how much happier my parents are now too and i think your kids will start to realise you arent happy-you cant put a brave face on forever! You do need to think about your kids alot but be fair on yourself, this is still your relationship and dont you think it would hurt them more if they grew up surrounded by pain and arguments? Only you really know what is best, maybe your thinking about staying together for other reasons, not just the children? You should also talk to your wife if at all possible, and not with the children around.
Where to start? Let's start with your parents as you have learned as an adult, you don't know what goes on in another man's bed. So what happened between your parents is neither your fault or your problem. Your mom should have kept in contact with you.
I had to let my step daughter go when my ex and I divorced, but it was her choice not mine. Your kids aren't stupid they know somethings going on. To stay or not to stay is a call only you can make.
If your going to get a divorce, talk to an atty. in your state before you do anything. As the rights of dads are slowly coming around, you can also look online under your state statutes to find out when your daughter's considered an adult, generally it's 16,17 yo. Do it then and give her the option of staying with you.
Regardless of what you do take your time and plan it out, in Missouri who ever has physical custody at the time of filing keeps them until a judge hears the case.
I would also if possible make her leave, and retain the family home, make sure you have a list of ppl. who see you doing the child rearing, PTA meetings etc.
i whent threw this and my parents had a divorce but when they faught it realy realy stunk i hated it and it would make me so depressed once they split up and divorced i felt like a huge rock was off my shoulders and idk its alot better then being deprressed and being with sum 1 u dont like and the kids will understand that when they get older....again ive gone threw this um 16 now but when i was 12-13 i did and i literaly despised when myparents faught orwere un happy cusu might no even notice u take it out on ur kids a lil bit to with the stress
divorce can be VERY hard on the children but getting out of it now may be better because do you want your kids to grow up seeing constant fighting and seeing how a relationship can't work. Especially for the 13 year old who will start dating in a few years that is not what she should be seeing becaue it can cause her to be in bad/abusive relationships when she starts to date. If a judge sees how much you care versus what your wife does not do, they will probably give more custody to you. But before you do anything, talk to your wife about it and try and solve it as peacefully and easily for your kids as possible because it is hard enough on the children. Also be mature and don't talk badly around the kids about one another because that just puts them in the middle.
I know this is a hard situation, but I would suggest you stay for the children and try your hardest to keep things civil with your wife.
My parents were in an unhappy marriage for 27 years, they stayed together for my sister and I. Once we had both left the house and gone off to college they divorced and have since started seeing other people.
I am divided on the subject, I have great respect for what my parents did for my sister and I, however, I do wish that they had lived their lives as they wished and had been happy and in love. But at the same time, they are able to do that now and have both fallen in love and are experiencing true love in their later years.
If I was ever in this situation I would stay. Simply because I feel that once you have children, you have to put them first and foremost, and sacrifice your own happiness for them. Once they are 18, then you are able to live your life. That is the sacrifice you make when you decide to have children.
God Bless you, and I hope that everything works out for you. You sound like a wonderful man who has your children's best interest at heart.
My husband , got married to his x wife because she was pregnant, when they got together it was understood that it wouldnt grow into something serious, they were just basically having fun .. port in the storm kinda thing.. she swore she was on birth control etc.. and next thing u know she's pregnant.. he didnt love her, but married her for the sake of his son.. at first it was very hard for him.. trying to do the right thing, yet not feeling it for her.. but he heard a story on the radio about if u fake it, it will become real, so he started trying to find reasons to love her, even the most trivial of things, and eventually he did find away to love her through little things and faking it.. although it wasnt ';real'; love it was enough to build on, to get by for the sake of his kids...because like u, his kids were his world.. and his father left when he was a kid and never turned back and he didnt want to be like him.. , now for the man in the story he heard, it worked, and he ended up really falling back in love with his wife, and he said once he started treating her like he did when they first me, although it was a fake romantic jestures, she started actting different, and when she responded like she did when they first met, he actually grew to love her again.. and they had been married almost 50 years.. , for my husband, unfortunately for him, once he did fall in love with her, she ended up cheating on him, and taking the kids with her which ripped out his heart and soul.. shes psychotic, she is a bad mother, that treats her kids as pawns in a game to hurt my husband, she'll , throw her own kids to the wolves rather then herself, shes a snake.. and the kids pay for it dearly because they are always feeling torn by their mother to pick and choose, and brainwashed.. he also had a step son, and at first he came with the other two kids on the weekends, but eventually she brain washed him too, and now he doesnt see him at all and like u he was in his life from 2 years old to 10 years old.. and it hurts him but he tells him he'll always be there for him if he should change his mind one day..
Children always pay the price in a divorce, no matter how amicable, my parents divorce was about as civil as u can get, and i suffer from abandonment issues, low self esteem, and insecurities.. and i was raised by a wonderful father, who i adore.. he got custody of us, my mom had weekend visits..
My advice to u.. is try to stick it out, perhaps its a funk, try to find ways to love her again, get some couples therapy, do everything u can to make it work, whatever it takes.. because if in the end after u try everything, and u still cant take it.., atleast u'll be able to look them in the eyes and let them know u tried it all, that u didnt just give up with out a fight..
If you are unhappy in your marriage then you should get out. My parents divorced when I was 2, and I turned out just fine. The only trouble I see is while breaking up the kids would be hard, being miserable may start to show and distance you from the children because you are so unhappy. If you are worried about spliting up the kids and decide to stay in the marriage, try counseling if you haven't yet. it may help.
Life would have been hell in our house if my parents stayed together. When they split My mother did try to tell me how horrid my dad was. But I was a daddies girl and never believed anything she said. I ended up with the best of 2 different worlds. Both parents remarried and are still happy today. Which makes me happy.
I was 6 when my parents split. I am happily married now and understand what it is to work at relationships. I think I chose the right guy to say yes to by looking at were my parents went wrong.
Do it but be civil...My parents never argued in front of us or bad mouthed each other in front of us..There is a good way to have both your parents there without them being together. Just don't make them suffer please!!!
Happiness is a fickle thing, you may or may not find a more fulfilling relationship than the one you are in now, but what you know for sure is that by doing so you will be in agony over leaving your kids to experience the turmoil and emotional scars you are suffering from now. My advice is to stay and make the best of the relationship you are in now, when the youngest is 18 you can decide without having a too negative impact on anybody elses life.
My parents split but there relationship prior to the split was horrible. They always were fighting. Neither is good. You are asking which is better of 2 bad situations. The best answer anyone can give you is to try and work things out with your wife. This would be better for you, her, and the kids. Staying with things the way they are is not helping your children as I am sure they are aware there are problems.
My mom and dad stayed for us kids and WE HATED IT later they did divorce
But now look at this through your childs eyes, If you and her are unhappy.... Dont you think the kids see this , feel this.... It yea will hurt if seperated but in the end they will be ok
I was thankful my parents divorced, we did at last have peace.. we hardly had food on the table, and all our clothes was given to us but we had PEACE IN THE HOME which ment a lot more to us that pretty things. and it drew us closer, Divorce is not easy one any one
But hell in teh home is not good. Home should be a peaceful happy place, not a war zone
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