Are you my ex-wife ? :)
I know you aren't, but the situation is so strikingly similar as to be spooky. Like your soon to be ex, I did not understand, at the time, that I was not meeting the needs of my wife. We'd settled into a rut, she decided she wanted out, and I was quite frankly, bewildered by her decision.
After we had separate houses, I maintained hope against all odds that she would see things my way and we would be reunited. Her mind was set though, I had exhausted my chances long before she left. Still, so long as we maintained some sort of relationship, friendship, an occasional hug, my hope was renewed. I was unable to move on because of the steady contact we had was not allowing me to see anything other than my hopes without a hint of reality.
The very BEST thing she did for me, and herself as well, was to sever all contact, no visits, no phone calls, no smiles when our paths crossed in the small town we lived in. Nothing to show we had once shared a life as husband and wife, nothing to show any concern or compassion still existed on her part.
Took me about 3 months to really get the message. Took me another 6 months to start really getting on with my life and looking ahead, not backwards.
Honestly, after years in a relationship, cutting all ties is hard to do, for the both of you. It is the best thing you can do though. It is not your place any longer to try and ease his pain. That rollercoaster ride you are on is not a pleasant experience I'm sure.
Let me say this again; it is the best thing for the both of you.
As a side note; I am grateful, now, my ex took the steps she did when she did. I was floundering and had no interests or direction of my own so long as I perceived some hope existed. In denial ? Yes, I was. Today, we are friends. We keep in touch and maybe twice a year we either talk on the phone or go have dinner with our spouses, the four of us.
Not the way I had envisioned my life being at all. It has worked out though.How can I (or should I ) help Ex emotionally get through the divorce- Could use some mens advice on this too.?
Your support gives him hope in a hopeless situation. You have made your choice, and do no want to go back. Make him feel unwelcome in your life, since he now is, and maybe give your girls his phone number. Maybe one of them has a little crush on him and is in need of an okay from you.
No, once you are sure you two are going to seperate you need to not help him emotionally...it keeps the dependency train still going in your relationship. And, your loyaties will be split if ever a new sweatheart comes along for either of you. Let him deal with it as best he can alone. And you likewise.
You need to first take care of you and your immediate family. Make sure you all are okay financially, socially and emotionally. He needs to do the same for himself. That is what divorce means...
The nicer and more time you spend with him makes him feel he still has a chance with you. Stop leading him on, tell him it is over and that is it.
Find him a little girlfriend. Frequent, meaningless sex helps dull the pain.
Marriage is worth saving, especially if you had invested that long and maybe its just the face youre going through right now but maybe if you try one last time, like a marriage christian seminar to where the two of you can reconnect. I can only pray and hope it will work. It is also a very good example to your kids at least you tried that much.
It sounds like my situation, only the other way around. But reading how you feel i know now why he kept rejecting my calls and refuse to talk to me and avoided me, i guess it was his way of pushing me to move on. He refused to get any kind of help to at least salvage the marriage and for the sake of our family.
We were married for 22 years with 3 kids and we been Divorce now for 1 year and to this day i still love him and miss him but getting to the point that being single isnt so bad after all.
The truth is you both must go through this now.
You have clearly made your choice and I believe you should not speak with him other than the concerns with the children.
All other marital concerns will be met via the divorce decree ordered by the court.
I believe that less contact will provide the time and space you both need to focus on moving forward with separate lives you have chosen to have.
Hang in there it is only a matter of time at this point.
Do you see any chance of reconsidering getting back together? Maybe the distance helps the two of you to get some things straight that were a big mess over the last years.
Would counselling be an option for the sake of your marriage?
Well, that wasn麓t your question, I know. So, if you stick with the ';only divorce acceptable option'; stay distant from him for his own sake. You can麓t influence his feelings, meaning if you talking to him results in hopes on his side, that will make the situation worse. You麓d feel the same and be hurt, not understanding why he would want the divorce when he is there for you to fight the pain. Leaving someone or being left hurts but then still being able to count on the other one to get over the pain is the worst thing I can imagine. It simply adds to the suffering. Distance will hopefully keep the two of you away from this emotional rollercoaster as you don麓t rip open old wounds everytime by simply not seeing each other. It麓s a chance to find peace sooner or later.
You both have to get through this individually. Helping each other getting over it ... for better for worse ... you could simply get back together. And as you decided that you麓re going separate ways, it麓s best to move on and find your own ways of dealing with this. It might take a long time to accept and work through, but it麓s a fight the two of you have to fight each on your own.
after 18yrs. he's probably feeling like he wasted his life on you ! what exactly is the problem? NO do not give him hope if there is none, tell him you wont be his crutch and he should find a young sweet thing and LIVE life , after 18 years and if there was no cheating on his part or abuse then you yourself are in for a big surpise sweety because men are not as nice as they were 18 yrs ago. and you have soooooooooo much competition can you afford plastic surgery ?
';Being there for him'; will only make things worse, he has to find his way and realize this is going to happen. Having him emotionally dependent on you is a recipe for disaster. You can tell he needs to go talk to a counselor, because he may need to talk to someone, just not you. There is no ease for the emotional roller coaster, you just have to do what is healthy for you. Take care of yourself and live a good life, he will find his way. Good luck.
You have to tell him a divorce means the ';end';. Let him know he has to move on and maybe if he stayed away he'd beable to work through this better.
IF you don't, you won't beable to move on. He'll be like a dog with his nose to the ground, being right there behind you.
Why not try and set him up on a few dates? See if he shows interest? My mom did this when her and dad split after 16 years. He fell hard for the 2nd one she found for him. They have now been together 35 years!!! :-)
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