I have recently asked my husband for a divorce. It was a relationship that was very unhealthy and codependent, unsupportive, and never should have happened. I married a man who had cheated on me with multiple women (prior to marriage), who took advantage of me financially (and currently still is), and had been physically and verbally abusive. (he is still verbally abusive and gets angry and destroys my personal property when he have fights)
So, I've found the inner strength and self respect to finally leave. The complicated part, is that I am corresponding with a man that I went to highschool with. We have limited it to emails and text messages and we have formed a repectful friendship, there is NO sexual references, he knows everything that is going on with my marriage/ divorce and is very respectful and just provides support. But I still feel SO GUILTY about this. I've read that codependent women will still feel guilty for things like this. I also want to do things ';right'; for all involved. I don't know if I may ever have a future with this other man, but I am also afraid of him losing respect for me because I am talking to him before the divorce is final. Any thoughts? I have NO intentions on meeting with this other man. He lives in a different state currently, but we are from the same home town. This man is very respectful of my current situation and is just so nice and I really value his friendship right now. I think that one reason that I may feel guilty, because I know that this man finds me attractive and thinks hightly of me. He tells me that I'm beautiful, intelligent, amazing, etc. Those words feel so good because I haven't heard them from a man in a long time.
I also guess that I feel guilty because I feel like it makes things more ';complicated'; and I haven't told my ';still husband'; about him, nor do I plan to, and even if we are divorcing, My husand and I still live together. I still feel like I'm sneaking around. I also suspect that my friend and I are begining to become attached to each other, just because he sometimes tells me that he ';misses talking to me'; if we don't talk for a day or so. I absolutely love that this new man wants to keep the pace slow, and that is why he doesn't want to talk on the phone. He just wants to keep it to emails and texts until the divorce is final and then whatever happens will happen. The fact that he is so ';controlled'; about his own behavior and he is not impulsive, is thoughtful and respectful makes him polar opposite of my husband.
It also makes it very hard that my husband is BEGGING for a second chance (more like a 20th chance) and is begging me to go to counseling to try to save the marriage. I feel that in my heart that it is over, and has been for a long time, but I was too weak to leave before. Am I making something out of nothing or are my codependent traits just that bad????Divorce situation, need advice.....?
I think you are dealing with two separate issues:
1. Your non-supportive abusive husband
2. A man providing you attention during tough times.
So I will start with number one:
FIRST and FOREMOST you can do bad by yourself. Now I am always the first to say stay and workout your relationships but in this case I can not say that to you. You do not need to be in any relationship marriage or otherwise that is abusive both emotionally and physically. If you wanted to be a looser you can do that without the help of a man...but guessing that he is financially draining you I am guessing that he is the loser. So then I ask, what is it that this man does for you. Why did you marry him even thrrough his pre-marital infidelities? If you stayed in this relationship can you see him changing? Do you love him more than you love yourself? If you answered no, to the last two questions and unable to answer the first question then you have a seriously problem. And it snot your husband...
The best solution at this point is to evaluate ';you'; and were you are in your life right now.
Regarding #2: I dont agree that having this male friendship is healthy for you. Although, you are maintaing boundaries you are not working on healing YOU. Emotionally you are building a codependent bridge towards the next man. Dont jump from one man to another because right now any man who gives you a little positive attention will look great in comparison to what you currently have. Seek professional guidance or the assistance of your church/synagogue to help YOU get yourself to the next level.
Figure out the best solution for you and prefer your goals towards getting there. Good luck! YOU CAN DO IT.Divorce situation, need advice.....?
why do buttholes like him always get the girls? i cant help you, im one of the nice guys that wouldnt do those things to you. all i can say is goodluck .
Get away from your husband or you will go back to him and keep giving him chances.
You did not say how long you were married or how old you are but do not feel guilty. And do not think about taking him back when this other person appreciates you and is willing to take it slow. Your heart knows where it is going, What does your support system say Do they think the marriage is worth saving? i thought mine was and i worked hard at it but he didn't and he left. 3 Weeks into our separation he met someone else ( married for 18 years together 20 and i was 26 when we got married)
It is sad to say you gotta know when to hold them and know when to fold them. Know when to walk away and know when to run.
I don't answer many of these anymore, but maybe this will help.
First, good for you that you realize how unhealthy your soon to be ex, and your marriage to him was... Note the WAS. Women are far more forgiving than are men when it comes to betrayal, so in your place, he would never have forgiven you. Guys never get over the eeeewwww factor.. women seem to do a bit better......And a quick note about that:
Truly, I think that marriage is Respect, Admiration, Passion and Trust, and I truly think that when the Trust is gone, since the Passion got shared, the Respect and Admiration are gone too. And truly, I believe that you no longer have nor had a marriage... , you had something else....and you learned to put up with it, and endure.
You have a problem since you and he are still under the same roof, even if you are sleeping in another room. I would not suggest that you abandon your house..... it is difficult to retain interest in it should he wish to get nasty in divorce.
I believe you already know that this marriage is dead.... it just hasn't begun to fully rot yet.
And in your place, tomorrow, I'd be seeing an attorney, and get the papers started... as an extra aside, I'd suggest you use a mediating attorney... one who represents you both. If you two each hire one, and have at it in court, the only ones who come out ahead are the two attorneys...ever know one who was poor? By agreeing on how your estate will be settled, after all this time, you will each come out $20,000 richer.
In your place, the second chance, begging crap is off the table. Ignore it, and tell him so. So is counseling. You want out, tell him so, and you and he can play nice, and end or he can be stupid, and cost you both a ton... tell him it's rather his choice.
As for the correspondence, you marriage is over... all but the paperwork. Get the paperwork hon. Continue to write this man..You have no idea what will happen in the future, neither does he. But you can't find out until you Get Out of Jail, and go past Go. You are still in Jail hon.
Extricate yourself from this horrid relationship.
Marriage is lovely, with an appropriate loving partner, and a horror with someone like the one you have wasted all this time with. You have had enough horror.
And if this e-mail stuff goes no where, I promise you, if you are an attractive lady, there are tons of guys who would make appropriate partners and who are available. They too, have been in bad marriages, and are freeing themselves up. More on how to find one of those if you wish.
For now, hon, end the marriage, divide the estate fairly, sell the house for whatever, and get yourself free.
Write if you need anything clarified.
At this point, I am on the other side of what's going on with you. I am speaking to a man who is currently married, we;ve been friends since high school but went to separate high schools. I think no less of him. We've made it clear to each other that right now we just need someone to help us through. There is no need to tell your current husband what is going on, you just need moral support. Make it clear to the other man by thanking him for the moral support and tell him how much it has meant to you, this way you make it clear to him that he is helping in that way and you are not looking to take it further. If it happens down the road, it happens. No need to feel guilty when you need someone to stand by you.
Take a deep breath and step back.
You need to think about this and break down each
aspect %26amp; evaluate it.
1. The decision to divorce. There is no reconsideration
in a relationship that has been volatile.
2. Your husband's regrets can not change his temper.
Marriage counseling will do nothing for his temper.
He needs anger management, and he needs to want to
change because he is tired of who he is, not because
he is afraid you are leaving...or history will repeat itself.
3. Talking to this guy is giving you emotional satisfaction,
but it is too dangerous to keep up the texting, etc...
You do not want to put yourself in a situation that could
precipitate violence.
4. You need counseling before you enter into any new relationships,
platonic or not. You are fragile and vulnerable.
Best wishes
It sounds like you have your head on straight about the divorce.Your husband is abusive %26amp; needs major counseling,just for that...Your long distance friend must be very comforting %26amp; sounds like he may be very good for you.I suggest you tell your friend that you want to stop communicating with him until your divorce is final.Then,focus on what needs to be done.Whatever you have going on now,needs your total attention,%26amp; at the end you'll now that you've done things with a clear head,not filled with your friend on your mind.Maybe after the marriage is over,you will want to meet your friend,but I'd wait until you feel emotionally ready for it.BOL to you.
Feel guilty, but enjoy the compliments at the same time. There's nothing wrong with having complex emotions.
I would suggest to you that you focus on the separation/divorce from your husband now; don't leave sloppy, broken ends. Get out of the house, get him out of your life, and don't fold from the second-chance-begging. You know what's good for you - you need a healthy environment free of abuse.
Once that is done, you should look for the new relationship - the best thing you can do for yourself is to re-learn independence, then once you know what you can be after you recover from your co-dependence, you can find romance and learn to depend on another in a healthy way.
Good luck!
Oh dear, you are going through some tough times. First of all, you say that your husband is physically and emotionally abusive. If this is the case, you need to leave (emphasis on leave) the house immediately. Do not wait for things to get worse, do not wait for him to say sorry yet again, and do not let him manipulate you into staying. You have already made a list of what's wrong with the marriage and, although concise in nature, it is rather lengthy. Do what you need to do in order to get out and please don't wait any longer. I am glad that you found the strength to leave by asking for a divorce, but staying in the same house is like living in a powder keg and waiting for an explosion.
In regards to your friend, your friend, although male, is helping you through everything you are going through, providing support, and telling you that you are amazing. He does not want to see you settle or remain in a relationship that is clearly abusive. What he is trying to do is bolster your spirit and build up your self-esteem. Whatever happens in the future between you two is in the future and is neither here nor there. The friendship will help sustain you through these trying times and you should not feel guilty because you are talking to another man. Get the divorce, retain the friendship, and look forward to the future whatever it may be and whatever it holds. You deserve some happiness after putting up with your ';husband'; for all of those years.
You didn't mention whether you had kids or not.... Either way even if it is just you and your husband you HAVE TO GET OUT!!! My mom has been married to what sounds like the twin to your husband. He has stolen money from her bank account, beat her, beat my little brother, Cheated on her multiple times, and the list goes on. I was 12 when they got married and HATED him from day one. I have always supported my mom and been there for her when he knocked her down. I've done everything in my power to get her away from him. I've moved her paid for two divorces only to have her bring him back just weeks before the divorce would be finalized. NO ONE deserves to be treated that way. Just the verbal abuse is enough. He is begging for another chance?!? Why would you even listen to this? As I tell my mom... ';what else does he have left to do to you? Short of actually killing you, he has done it all!'; Everyone deserves to be happy and I truly do not believe you can ever find happiness with your husband. Too many things have happened and if you're anything like my mom... She says she can forgive but never forget. To me, I could never trust the person again. There is no need for you to discuss your relationship with this friend of yours with your husband as I beleive it will just open up a can of worms that really isnt worth it at this point. You deserve the best! Please don't go back to himAs for the other guy..... I think you should keep it at the friend level until you do finalize the divorce. I dont think it would be such a bad idea for you to have a little ';alone'; time either. You need to figure out who you are and what you really want before you jump into another relationship. He sounds like a really great guy but I am sure there are going to be some open wounds from your current relationship and it's not healthy to go from one relationship to the next. I'm sure because of the way you have explained him and the connection that you currently have he will completely understand. Once you have some time to yourself to reflect over your marriage and what you really want in life or a future partner then you can take your relationship to the next level. Please dont feel guilty about anything! Be confident in your choices and know that you deserve to be happy and you cannot make yourself feel guilty for wanting to be happy! I wish you nothing but Luck and Happiness! =)
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